Just unbelievably sad..

Riley is OBSESSED with monsters right now. Specially Monsters Inc. (We've watched it 6 times the first day!) Before monsters inc. he was really into the robots movie and i managed to find him the 2 main characters on ebay.
I've been trying to find him Monster's Inc toys as well. Some of the ones on ebay are meh.. some are crazy priced. I really wish i could sew (or that my mom was still around to sew for me) Cause Mike & Little Mikey seem sooooooo easy to sew something up. 
 

So its looking like Riley and I will be moving back to PA. I have mixed emotions about this.
I got fired and dont qualify for unemployment. Miguel moved out on us.
On Friday, Miguel packed his clothes and his mac in front of Riley. Riley then grabs Miguels hand and goes "Bye byes, Let's GO!" Miguel just wants to leave but I force him to take Riley to the playground while I get dressed. I then go outside. He watches Riley play a few minutes before grabbing his bag off the bench and just walking away. I haven't heard from him since. I did suspend his cell phone though since my dad plays for it. But he could email, IM or call from Gordons phone. If hes still even at Gordons. 
Went to Welfare office today to update with the fact that i got fired and miguel left. I also wanted to see if I'd qualify for cash assistance since I have Ry and cant get unemployment. I filled out the form but was told it would take 30 days to see if I even qualify and then possibly another 2 weeks before I'd get anytihng. I dont have money to "wait and see" I'm going to have to take the last bit of money I do have and move back to PA. Which means I should be packing like NOW .. blah 

As much as I really dont want to go back to PA and take Ry away from his dad, I cant justify staying here with nothing. Riley deserves to have friends and family who wants to see him. He deserves to have me not super stressed on if we are going to make bills each month. He deserves me being able to take him to fun places or buy a toy "just because" ... Right now I'm not sure if i could even buy diapers if I needed them. 
I cant do this out here alone. I mean I could but who wants to live a life where they work 40+ hrs see their kid a few hours at night and then sit in an apt alone while the kid sleeps. Maybe it would be different if I had friends out here. But no friends, no family I think that would be too rough. 

 Really starting to think life hates me.. I got fired on Thursday.. Found out today that I dont qualify for unemployment because I didnt work enough the last 2 yrs. (i've been home with Riley till we moved out here) Its looking very much like Ry and I could end up being forced back to PA. I dont have friends I can crash with out here.. plus having a 2 yr old really makes crashing anywhere hard. 
Miguel doesnt seem to care that Ry and I could be 8 hrs away. If he doesnt care then why should i struggle to find some shitty job to stay here when he doesnt want to be in our daily life? 

well Ry is asking for food and miguel is apparently too busy playing his computer game so i gotta cut this update short. 

So I've been meaning to update this journal. But man things have been crazy. Work has been insane. I really like my job and the people i work with but it is soooo stressful at times. We've had 4 different dispatchers since i've been there. I've only been working there since May. Right now its down to just Jon & I in in the office w/ Ron the general manager. Jon is great. I have a lot of fun with him and he gets the pressure of the job. There are also 2 guys that work in the filter company/warehouse side of the job. I adore them. Josh is 31, Adam 26. So i'm right in the middle of them age wise and we just joke around so well.   

Riley is 2.. seems unreal. His birthday was last week, the 27th.  He is talking up a storm. Obsessed with Spongebob, Choo-choos and trucks. His love of Spongebob is so strong he will now eat burgers cause he thinks they are "krabby patties" Couldn't really do much for his birthday which triggers the mom guilt. Logically I know just being with us and having a cake and balloons is more than enough but I just want to give him more. 
Did manage to get him a wooden kitchen normally $250 for $30 on craigslist. Now I just gotta get him some felt/cloth food and pots/pans for it. 

Riley & I  went and saw Uncle Stephen & Aunt Erin at Stephen's charity show in Kalamazoo, MI. He was a hit with everyone at the little bar after the show. He LOVES "tpin" and "rin" He took Erin all over the yard and bar. He didnt want to leave. Cried when I put him in the car. He ask to go see them almost daily. Brings me my keys and says "tpin? rin?"
( Photos... )
On the Miguel front.. Looks like I'll be a single mom here shortly. :(   I know its gonna be for the best for Riley & I. That this stress is too much and not doing any of us any good. But still really hurts. I feel like such a failure. I've been working 40+hrs a week struggling to have rent, gas and food. He stays at home watching Riley. I know I stayed with Riley for almost 2 yrs. But I was nursing, taking care of the house the best I could while dealing with ry's weight issues, my moms death and his bullshit of online affairs. Also I drove his ass to from work daily and did all the errands that required driving. AND i still wanted to be in the relationship.. He has said "he can't wait to get rid of my ass" to which i responded with "no one is keeping you here see ya" He doesn't get how it makes me feel used that he does and says stuff like he has been and then thinks its ok to just live here and let me take care of everyone.  He doesnt want any of the "rules of a marriage" but wants to be taken care of like he has a wife.  
I cant handle the stress of it all plus the work stress.. One's gotta give and since I need the job guess I have to finally just give in and admit failure.

wish i could go back to how i felt 4 years ago today..

couch in ny, feet up on coffee table, law and order svu on in the background. cookiepuss (cat) sleeping beside me .. Lauren was at her moms ...we were talking. and i said that some other guy had asked if i had a boyfriend that i said i felt like i should say yes but i didnt know where he stood cause we hadnt really talked about it. he said "is it ok if i just say it cara?" i so thought he was gonna call me his girlfriend and he said "i love you" i was actually speechless

i'm on the edge of broken.. i cave.. you win.. hope you are fucking happy with this choice cause i sure as hell aint ... i'm just praying riley will be.